Mononucleosis
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Zim embarks on a quest to get kissing disease and prove to his classmates that he is human. This can only end so well. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!
"So, you see, class," Ms. Bitters droned. "Mononucleosis, or kissing disease, is a nasty little bugger. The tiniest particle of saliva from another person causes the sickly inflammation of the spit glands, as well as soreness of the throat."

"Ha. What a pathetic little virus," Zim said to himself. "Humans can fall ill at the slightest of provocation. I have a clean bill of health!"

Ms Bitters growled at Zim for shouting, then sat back at her desk. "Now, how many of you little meat sacks have had mononucleosis before?"

Everyone in the class besides Zim raised their hand.

"HA!" Zim laughed and pointed. "All of you, pathetic!"

Dib rolled his eyes. "Kissing disease is something every _normal_ person catches, Zim. All humans get it at some point."

For once, the class actually agreed with Dib. Most of them had gotten sick with it at about seven years old. If Zim hadn't had it yet, then...

The alien began to sweat, eyeing his murmuring classmates.

"So, if you haven't gotten the disease yet," Dib began to smirk. "I guess that means you're not human, huh?"

"Um..." Zim was gripping his desk as if it would help him drum up an answer. "Ridiculous! Zim is just a...a 'late bloomer'!"

"Ohh..." the class took that answer.

"That's not- -! I mean, that's- -! NO!" sputtered Dib.

"Not everyone can keep up with society like the rest of us, DIB," scowled Zita.

"Yeah, get off of your high freaking horse!" added The Letter M.

Before the students could go on to tear Dib apart, the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Zim remained glued to his desk as the kids filed out the door.

He decided that he HAD to get this "kissing disease", and soon, or people would catch on to the fact that he wasn't human. Getting sick for a bit was worth it to move forward on his mission.

Zim finally got up from his seat and approached Ms. Bitters. "Excuse me, sir."

"What?" she hissed.

"Um, if I were to purposefully contract the mononucleosis, not that I plan on that...how would I go about it?"

"Most often people catch it from, _blegh,_ kissing another person. Huh, Heaven knows I've never caught it."

Zim looked down at the floor momentarily. "Oh. Ew. Well, if that's what it takes..."

"What?"

Zim was staring up at her and pointing at his mouth...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ohhh, my backside," moaned Zim. "Regardless, I must press on in this revolting quest! I NEED A KISS!"

He got to his feet and looked around. All the students were already outside, it appeared. When Zim got out there, the kids were scattering. He had to hurry and select the least disgusting one to kiss him.

Dib's sister? Ech, she creeped Zim out.

DIB? No way! He was probably the most disgusting of them all! (Well, besides Willy.)

Looking for more suitable options, Zim turned tail and headed for the shopping mall. The place was just crawling with humans willing to spend money.  
Maybe one of them would pay to kiss Zim!

Before he even stepped inside the mall, Zim noticed a scantily clad woman standing outside, smoking a cigarette. He figured that the ashes, tobacco and rat poison flavor of it would disguise that nasty human taste.

He wasted no time marching over to her.

"Greeting, scantily clad human female!" Zim waved in mock enthusiasm. "As you can see, I am an appealing human male! ...so, how 'bout it?"

The woman only coughed and held out her hand in response.

"..."

Zim awkwardly high-fived it.

"Money," the lady hacked out.

"Hmm. You're 'broke', as they say? Well, that's alright. I suppose I'm willing to offer you a 'freebie'. As they say."

The woman appeared angry as Zim puckered up, trying to pull her down to his height. She smacked his hands off of her and stalked away, shaking her head and grumbling to herself.

"Huh!" Zim uttered, rubbing his sore hands together. "Rude!"

He proceeded into the mall. Zim looked around at the assortment of shops for an empty space where he could set up a "kissing booth" of sorts.

"Uh, attention! Attention, uh...ATTENTION, YOU STINKING HUMANS!" Zim screamed, and everyone ceased their hustling & bustling. "Thank you. Now, I need a favor from you all, and you are going to comply one way or another. All of you, come forth, and I shall see which of you is worthy to give me a peck!"

Most of the people looked disgusted by Zim's proposition (which he failed to understand). He simply stood confused as the crowd dispersed.

A little girl wearing a princess dress appeared and excitedly skipped up to Zim. "A frog! If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince for me to marry?"

"Sure," shrugged Zim. He didn't know what the heck the child was talking about, but he didn't care. As long she got him sick. "Hurry, do it!"

The girl adjusted her tin foil tiara, leaned in and gave Zim a kiss on the mouth. Then he just stood there, shuddering and trying to suppress the urge to break out some disinfectant and sanitize his mouth. He needed every last germ. At least it wasn't quite as bad as he thought it'd be.

The little girl tilted her head in bewilderment. "Heyyy! There was no 'poof'! You didn't change into a prince at all! You dumb frog, you tricked me!"

Zim was still way too sickened to reply. Suddenly, the girl's mother showed up, looking too tired to care too much about anything.

"There you are! Natalie, what have I told you about running off when we're out?"

"'It's dangerous to go alone'," this "Natalie" said solemnly. "But Mommy! This fr- -"

"If you just wanted to talk with one of your little friends, you could've asked!" said the mother.

"Uhhh," Natalie glanced at Zim again. "Yeah. I was just talking. Can my froggy friend come over for a play date?"

"Sure," sighed the exhausted woman.'"As long as his mother says it's okay..."

Natalie roughly grabbed Zim by the wrist. "You're gonna get it NOW, froggy!"

Before Zim knew it, he'd been dragged into the backseat of a mini-van. The girl wouldn't let go of his wrist. But thankfully, he could feel his throat starting to swell from all those girl germs. He was getting sick!

"Wow, froggy! Your throat's getting all big!" the little girl observed. "Are you gonna change now, or do you just have a croak in ya?"

Zim scooted down the seat away from her.

"Humph!" she pouted.

The two were silent the rest of the way to Natalie's house. Zim tried several times to sneak off while the girl and her mother were unloading their purchases, but to no avail. He got spotted by the vengeful girl every time, and he grew too sick and weary to fight back.

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" he cried as he was shoved into Natalie's room. "Just what do you want from me, you reprehensible Earth child?! I must return to the skool and prove the children wrong!"

The girl locked the door behind her. "What I want is a prince! A handsome prince who will marry me, and love me forever, and let me live in his castle!"

Zim absentmindedly sat in one of the girl's chairs, feeling light-headed. "I could get all those things for you, if you would let me go, you demon spawn...!"

"No!" she stamped her foot. "You're LYING!"

"Hey, that's MY line..." muttered Zim. "And how could you tell?"

The girl ignored his question and grabbed a sparkly jump rope from beneath her bed. She approached Zim and began tying him to the chair with it.

"Oh..." Zim wheezed out. "What're you doing now...?"

Natalie pulled the knot tight. "YOU'RE gonna have to be my prince! I'm the princess, and I said so!"

"Eh...oh, why do I always attract the crazy ones?" Zim feebly kicked his legs.

"But I don't wanna marry no ugly froggy! Now TRANSFORM, or ELSE!"

"Or else WHA..." Zim passed out tied to that chair.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Zim didn't know how much later it was that he woke up, but he had a splitting headache, and he felt numb from head to toe. It took him a few seconds to recollect his thoughts and remember how he'd ended up with a swelled throat, tied to a chair in a little girl's bedroom. To his left, Natalie was at her dresser, doing something to her face. Zim briefly struggled with the jump rope before she turned around.

"AH!" he squeaked at the sight of her. "Have you been drinking my blood?!"

Natalie's mouth was drenched in pink goop. "Hehe! Nooo! That's my new lipstick! None of my other lipsticks turned you into a prince, but I saved Pretty Pink Lemonade for last!"

When she moved away from her place in front of the mirror, Zim could see himself in it, and his blanched face was covered in various colored smooch marks.

"The horror..."

He almost threw up when Natalie started kissing him again.

"NO! NOOO! STOP!" Zim violently rocked the chair. "ZIM HAS ALREADY RECEIVED YOUR GERMS, YOU HARLOT OF DOOM!"

He got three more smooches on his face, and then Natalie gave up. By now, he was quite wrinkly and withered, and she was about ready to kill this "frog". But she still wanted her prince, so she tried torturing Zim into transforming. And, thankfully, the kissing was the worst of what Zim had to endure that day.

First, the girl threatened to tell his "froggy parents" on him if he didn't comply. That just confused Zim to no end.

Second, she tried tickling Zim, but he flailed so violently that she ended up suffering far more than he did.

Next, she turned up the thermostat REALLY high, but Zim didn't seem to mind one bit, not even when he caught on fire. Then her mother scolded her for wasting heat.

Then she tried turning the air conditioner on and putting on a bunch of electric fans so that Zim would freeze, but once again, he didn't mind. Then Natalie's mother scolded her for wasting power.

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MOM! SHEESH!" Natalie slammed her bedroom door. "Now, what else can I do?"

"You could let me go," suggested Zim.

"Hm. Will freeing you REALLY make you transform? Or are you trying to trick me again?"

"Wait, uh...which one do you want me to do again?"

"Transform."

"Oh, yeah. Yes! Simply untie me and I'll do just that."

"You prooomise?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Oookayyy, I'm gonna untie you from the chair," the girl began to do so. "And theeen you gotta transform so we can get maaarried."

"Right."

Natalie let the ropes fall to the floor. Zim stood up, stretched a bit, and kicked her in the gut as hard as he could. Then he ran for his life as she collapsed and began convulsing in pain.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

Zim screamed and ran all the way down the stairs and through the kitchen. He ran between the mother's legs, and right out the front door.

He didn't stop screaming or running all the way back to Skool.

By the time he got there, it was a little dark outside. The doors were locked, so Zim sat on the steps and waited for the sun to rise.

He waited and waited, and finally, students began filing into the building.

"Hey, look, I'm diseased! Look, I'm diseased," Zim would say to everyone passing by.

He did so while showing off the nasty squishy spots left on his throat from all the swelling, as well as all his smooch marks. This was usually met with "ew, gross!" or "what a freak!", but Zim didn't care. As long as they believed him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, you banes of my existence, it's time for show and tell. Does anyone have anything remotely interesting to show to the class and talk about?" Ms. Bitters asked with reluctance. "I promise we'll all pretend to care."

Zim waved frantically. "Ooh, ME, Ms. Bitters! Meee!"

He strode up to the front of the classroom and made sure that everyone (especially Dib) had their eyes on him. And by "made sure", I mean he stared them down until they paid attention, which took a while.

"Look, human worms! See that I too have caught the mononucleosis!" Zim pulled his collar down and squished the squishy parts of his throat. "And do you see all my kissing marks? They're REAL!"

"Ewww!" moaned the class. Willy even threw up.

"ZIM!" hissed Ms. Bitters. "You've contracted mono! To prevent the spread of it, you must adorn this anti-smooch mask. It's even coated with sanitizer, you little filthy!"

She shoved a helmet with a glass visor onto Zim's head.

"Ooh!" he beamed. "Zim shall wear it with pride!"

"Yeah, whatever."

Having finished his presentation, Zim returned to his seat and flashed a big smile at Dib. He was about to shout "VICTORY FOR ZIM!", but remembered what had happened last time he'd shouted in class, so he just mouthed it. Dib only squinted angrily in response.

"Now that's out of the way, we're going to continue yesterday's lecture on diseases," said Ms. Bitters. "Starting with mad cow disease. Studies say it's usually the spine that's the first to go..."

And life went on as usual.

* * *

(A/N: What? I actually finished a story? Are you sure it's not still April Fools?

I can't believe I've been working on this story for almost a year! Or maybe over a year? And it's finally done! It started out SO different! Zim was gonna actually follow Dib around and try to get a kiss from him for a while, and then he was gonna go home to get a kiss, but realize that robots don't have saliva, and...it was gonna be a mess. A big, shippy mess. So I hope you liked it as is! I REALLY hope that.

Please be sure to review, fave, and check out my profile! Au revoir!)


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